Hey !!
I’m back!!
And as an anaesthetist friend of mine would say …as bubbly and cheerful as ever.
Though this slightly oft repeated remark of his sometimes makes me feel like a rather giddy bottle of champagne. Oh he he he ..pause.. hic ! hic ! ( pl insert appropriate slurred words. )
Bounce Bounce Bounce.C-r-a-s-h.There all the bubbly goes.
Yeah I’m back.
Yesterday
Yesterday was a bad day.
Hm. That sounds like the beginning of a particularly melodramatic novel. The kind that will after that memorable beginning go on to detail just how bad the day was, including a healthy dose of torture, screams and temper tantrums. Or maybe people being diced and chopped up, blood dripping on the floor and splashed on the walls, and all other kinds of most heinous crimes the author can think of, alternated with good doses of Freudian complexes, unhappy, abusive childhoods, multiple personalities and stalkers/dark magick.
Well. Yesterday was nothing like that, but pretty bad in its way.
There have been times I’ve felt like I’m standing at the edge of this precipice, (pl note, not clinging with fingertips or anything like that, I am not, repeat, not suicidal, just having a bad day, this is after the best friend told me the blog sounded like I was) and the past few days have been pretty decent on the work front, and all in all I was quite stable and happy and probably a good 15 m from the edge. No emotional issues right then, you see. And then something happened that drove me right back to the edge, and pretty much left me back to being miserable, distracted, tears down cheeks and, well, right there at the edge.
I am so frustrated with myself.
I hate that I let something that happened 9 months back still get to me.
And the best friend says growing up is learning to stay sane on the edge of the precipice.
Hm. That sounds like the beginning of a particularly melodramatic novel. The kind that will after that memorable beginning go on to detail just how bad the day was, including a healthy dose of torture, screams and temper tantrums. Or maybe people being diced and chopped up, blood dripping on the floor and splashed on the walls, and all other kinds of most heinous crimes the author can think of, alternated with good doses of Freudian complexes, unhappy, abusive childhoods, multiple personalities and stalkers/dark magick.
Well. Yesterday was nothing like that, but pretty bad in its way.
There have been times I’ve felt like I’m standing at the edge of this precipice, (pl note, not clinging with fingertips or anything like that, I am not, repeat, not suicidal, just having a bad day, this is after the best friend told me the blog sounded like I was) and the past few days have been pretty decent on the work front, and all in all I was quite stable and happy and probably a good 15 m from the edge. No emotional issues right then, you see. And then something happened that drove me right back to the edge, and pretty much left me back to being miserable, distracted, tears down cheeks and, well, right there at the edge.
I am so frustrated with myself.
I hate that I let something that happened 9 months back still get to me.
And the best friend says growing up is learning to stay sane on the edge of the precipice.
R & R
Ugh again.
I don’t know about you, but I think this blog is getting gloomier and gloomier as the days go by. Now, though I might be a bit gloomy right now, it doesn’t necessarily follow that I am always gloomy.
Gloomy is such a nice word, don’t you think. It sounds dark and sad and.. g l o o m y. Heh. Anyway. I have been reading a lot of Harry Potter fan fiction, quite fascinating, I must say, and I think if JKR ever had writer’s block all she’d have to do would be to log on to one of these web sites to get enough ideas to last her 2 books. There’s more than enough written about the stars of the movies, too.
But who would you choose to play the founders of Hogwarts? If JKR ever chose to write about them, there is no doubt that that would be made into a movie.Here’s who I would choose.
For Salazar Slytherin : Tom Cruise. I guess it’s because the only movie I liked with him in it was Topgun, and that I think was more for the planes and the music anyway. And… there’s something about his grin. Very possible to see him hissing in parseltongue. This was also the easiest choice.
Rowena Ravenclaw : Catherine Zeta Jones
Helga Hufflepuff : Emma Thompson ?
Godric Gryffindor : here I hit a blank. Can’t come up with any star that looks sufficiently Lion like in my imagination. Though why that is a criterion in my head I am not too sure.
Anyway.
Like they say in all the fan fic sites, dear reader, pl read and review. Or, as they say, R&R . That I expand because I did spend a few seconds wondering why the authors wanted rest and recreation. Ah.. my ignorance…
I don’t know about you, but I think this blog is getting gloomier and gloomier as the days go by. Now, though I might be a bit gloomy right now, it doesn’t necessarily follow that I am always gloomy.
Gloomy is such a nice word, don’t you think. It sounds dark and sad and.. g l o o m y. Heh. Anyway. I have been reading a lot of Harry Potter fan fiction, quite fascinating, I must say, and I think if JKR ever had writer’s block all she’d have to do would be to log on to one of these web sites to get enough ideas to last her 2 books. There’s more than enough written about the stars of the movies, too.
But who would you choose to play the founders of Hogwarts? If JKR ever chose to write about them, there is no doubt that that would be made into a movie.Here’s who I would choose.
For Salazar Slytherin : Tom Cruise. I guess it’s because the only movie I liked with him in it was Topgun, and that I think was more for the planes and the music anyway. And… there’s something about his grin. Very possible to see him hissing in parseltongue. This was also the easiest choice.
Rowena Ravenclaw : Catherine Zeta Jones
Helga Hufflepuff : Emma Thompson ?
Godric Gryffindor : here I hit a blank. Can’t come up with any star that looks sufficiently Lion like in my imagination. Though why that is a criterion in my head I am not too sure.
Anyway.
Like they say in all the fan fic sites, dear reader, pl read and review. Or, as they say, R&R . That I expand because I did spend a few seconds wondering why the authors wanted rest and recreation. Ah.. my ignorance…
I Wonder
I went for a drive today. Not anywhere in particular, just got out and drove cos I was feeling so terribly cooped up.
The monsoon’s here, and is definitely making its presence known.
There were houses on the roadside, flooded, women walking in thigh deep water to their only source of potable water - the government tap at the roadside, almost submerged in water itself. Children, half naked, making boats to float on the water, clothes drying on the thatched roof of the house, all ready to be pulled down and taken in at the first sign of the rains.
Innumerable people are sick, suffering from the viral epidemic that has been sweeping a lot of Kerala and Kottayam has not been spared. I get patients with their joints swollen and running a high fever, old men and women with chills racking their body and hacking coughs that shake every fibre of their being, ill, vomiting everything they eat, unable to keep even water down. There is not enough place to accommodate all the patients, and the government hospitals have people sleeping on the verandahs, with I.V fluids running through them from precariously hung drips. But the worst of it is over, I hope and think.
It is now that I am supposed to be truly happy. After all, I am doing what I was trained to. This is what I studied and worked for from the age of eighteen, and in the end graduated from no less than the best medical college in India . To treat and to bring succour for the masses.
And in the midst of it all, I feel like someone else. Looking at everything, at all that I do, from some place up on high.
I wonder if this is what I am supposed to be doing.And I wonder at what I wonder.
This is not supposed to be this way. I should be feeling satisfied, fulfilled.
And all I can think of is there is something missing. I don’t seem to have any goals in the near future, and two long years seems to be stretching on and on, right up to the horizon.
Ugh.
The monsoon’s here, and is definitely making its presence known.
There were houses on the roadside, flooded, women walking in thigh deep water to their only source of potable water - the government tap at the roadside, almost submerged in water itself. Children, half naked, making boats to float on the water, clothes drying on the thatched roof of the house, all ready to be pulled down and taken in at the first sign of the rains.
Innumerable people are sick, suffering from the viral epidemic that has been sweeping a lot of Kerala and Kottayam has not been spared. I get patients with their joints swollen and running a high fever, old men and women with chills racking their body and hacking coughs that shake every fibre of their being, ill, vomiting everything they eat, unable to keep even water down. There is not enough place to accommodate all the patients, and the government hospitals have people sleeping on the verandahs, with I.V fluids running through them from precariously hung drips. But the worst of it is over, I hope and think.
It is now that I am supposed to be truly happy. After all, I am doing what I was trained to. This is what I studied and worked for from the age of eighteen, and in the end graduated from no less than the best medical college in India . To treat and to bring succour for the masses.
And in the midst of it all, I feel like someone else. Looking at everything, at all that I do, from some place up on high.
I wonder if this is what I am supposed to be doing.And I wonder at what I wonder.
This is not supposed to be this way. I should be feeling satisfied, fulfilled.
And all I can think of is there is something missing. I don’t seem to have any goals in the near future, and two long years seems to be stretching on and on, right up to the horizon.
Ugh.
Do You Believe?
Do you believe?
That every cloud has a silver lining?
That everything happens for a reason?
That intelligence and humour matter more than looks?
That there is one person for everyone, just that other half of your soul, just waiting out there to be discovered?
That a man and a woman can be best friends, without falling in love?
In good and evil?
In happily ever after?
In love?
In god ?
That this is your life, and you are who you want to be?
Do tell.
That every cloud has a silver lining?
That everything happens for a reason?
That intelligence and humour matter more than looks?
That there is one person for everyone, just that other half of your soul, just waiting out there to be discovered?
That a man and a woman can be best friends, without falling in love?
In good and evil?
In happily ever after?
In love?
In god ?
That this is your life, and you are who you want to be?
Do tell.
Not life, but good life is chiefly valued
This is for Socrates, whose birthday is today.
It used to be a weekly ritual, the going out, usually to this restaurant, rather incongruously named Darling, where we ate cream of chicken soup, afghani chicken, chicken au gratin and oodles of icecream.
Talked about Vikram Seth being gay, about if doctors could be allowed to discriminate as to who they could treat, genocide and the vagaries of the heart, the merits of a house on the beach versus one in the swiss alps, coffee and tea, why johhny depp was such an amazing actor and why I should watch borat, Beethoven and GNR, cats in the cradle and the phantom of the opera. What we would be doing if we were not doctors, about our batch, mutual friends and about where we saw ourselves 10 years from then. All this is at that rooftop restaurant, with jesus jumping off behind us.
Here’s to you, Socrates.
May you have an adventurous, eventful, and happy year –
filled with books, music and movies to your heart’s content, the choicest of wines and the most sumptuous of dinners, work that absorbs, challenges and fulfils you, and the friends to enjoy all this with you – to make you laugh, to be caustic with, and to just help you face each day, and live it to the fullest. May this year surpass your most joyous expectations.
It used to be a weekly ritual, the going out, usually to this restaurant, rather incongruously named Darling, where we ate cream of chicken soup, afghani chicken, chicken au gratin and oodles of icecream.
Talked about Vikram Seth being gay, about if doctors could be allowed to discriminate as to who they could treat, genocide and the vagaries of the heart, the merits of a house on the beach versus one in the swiss alps, coffee and tea, why johhny depp was such an amazing actor and why I should watch borat, Beethoven and GNR, cats in the cradle and the phantom of the opera. What we would be doing if we were not doctors, about our batch, mutual friends and about where we saw ourselves 10 years from then. All this is at that rooftop restaurant, with jesus jumping off behind us.
Here’s to you, Socrates.
May you have an adventurous, eventful, and happy year –
filled with books, music and movies to your heart’s content, the choicest of wines and the most sumptuous of dinners, work that absorbs, challenges and fulfils you, and the friends to enjoy all this with you – to make you laugh, to be caustic with, and to just help you face each day, and live it to the fullest. May this year surpass your most joyous expectations.
Don't Mean Nothing
Well. I spoke to the PTB.
Agreed to give me a break for the afternoons. I’m free from 12-4 in the afternoons now. Feels strange to actually have time for myself rather than just exist from day to day. I was rather surprised that the PTB agreed to this, but it turns out that the guy who alternates doing night duty with me is leaving. So, (and I quake to even type or think it) this could mean me doing continuous night duties until someone agrees to work here, or just do night duties at least. I cannot imagine what the end result of all this will be. As for now, I’m just enjoying this feeling of new found freedom… But tainting it all is the barely suppressed feeling of fear that this is too good to last.
Melodramatic?
Heh.
Agreed to give me a break for the afternoons. I’m free from 12-4 in the afternoons now. Feels strange to actually have time for myself rather than just exist from day to day. I was rather surprised that the PTB agreed to this, but it turns out that the guy who alternates doing night duty with me is leaving. So, (and I quake to even type or think it) this could mean me doing continuous night duties until someone agrees to work here, or just do night duties at least. I cannot imagine what the end result of all this will be. As for now, I’m just enjoying this feeling of new found freedom… But tainting it all is the barely suppressed feeling of fear that this is too good to last.
Melodramatic?
Heh.
In Which I Contemplate Using Drugs
Yesterday, pretty much like it’s been for the past few days I cried my eyes out.
What’s the difference, you ask. Only this time I think I should be actually doing something about it. It is hard for any one in the medical profession to actually acknowledge the fact that we are depressed and need help. Had a really long talk with the best friend which finally resulted in two things.
One, I am going to talk to the power that be’s (PTB)about the work situation here. It is hard for me to do this because of the work ethic instilled that says that when needed you pitch in and work and do your best with what you have and keep going. Plus there are a lot of moral and spiritual issues that well, complicate the issue. Anyway. The less said about that the better. But this way of functioning.. of doing 36 hour duties with 12 hours off all through the week and then when it comes to the weekend to do 60 hours, yes , you read that right, 60 hours at a stretch is really killing me. I am changing from the nearly always happy and upbeat person that I was all my life into a weepy, unhappy person who hates the thought of the next day . I wake up in the morning and I am tired. I don’t want to get out of bed and once I am up, since I am on call from 8, is my mid morning call from the parents and the niece. Then there’s the around 2 oclock call and the calls at night from my sister and my friends. I seem to live from call to call.
This has to stop.
The other thing that I have realised I should do is probably start anti depressants. Yeah I should. I should also be getting professional help.Yes.But today I will talk to the PTB about this. And see what he says.Somehow I don’t think the response will be anything that will help me. Or is that my depression speaking.Anyway .
Will post again after my talk with the PTB/ after the next cryin bout. Heh.
What’s the difference, you ask. Only this time I think I should be actually doing something about it. It is hard for any one in the medical profession to actually acknowledge the fact that we are depressed and need help. Had a really long talk with the best friend which finally resulted in two things.
One, I am going to talk to the power that be’s (PTB)about the work situation here. It is hard for me to do this because of the work ethic instilled that says that when needed you pitch in and work and do your best with what you have and keep going. Plus there are a lot of moral and spiritual issues that well, complicate the issue. Anyway. The less said about that the better. But this way of functioning.. of doing 36 hour duties with 12 hours off all through the week and then when it comes to the weekend to do 60 hours, yes , you read that right, 60 hours at a stretch is really killing me. I am changing from the nearly always happy and upbeat person that I was all my life into a weepy, unhappy person who hates the thought of the next day . I wake up in the morning and I am tired. I don’t want to get out of bed and once I am up, since I am on call from 8, is my mid morning call from the parents and the niece. Then there’s the around 2 oclock call and the calls at night from my sister and my friends. I seem to live from call to call.
This has to stop.
The other thing that I have realised I should do is probably start anti depressants. Yeah I should. I should also be getting professional help.Yes.But today I will talk to the PTB about this. And see what he says.Somehow I don’t think the response will be anything that will help me. Or is that my depression speaking.Anyway .
Will post again after my talk with the PTB/ after the next cryin bout. Heh.
Room Without A View
I am manic depressive. One night of off duty all alone and the nearest person I know and want to spend time with is over 100 kms away.
This is crazy. I spill myself over the net, and truthfully I want to be a lot more… vituperative?
Rant? Rave? I am in a dish throwing mood.
The problem is without someone to throw the dish at, throwing dishes loses all charm.
This is solitary confinement.
I am going to go about muttering to myself, dressing in rags and scratching at imaginary fleas in a week at this rate.
This is crazy. I spill myself over the net, and truthfully I want to be a lot more… vituperative?
Rant? Rave? I am in a dish throwing mood.
The problem is without someone to throw the dish at, throwing dishes loses all charm.
This is solitary confinement.
I am going to go about muttering to myself, dressing in rags and scratching at imaginary fleas in a week at this rate.
Only When It Rains
The monsoon is here.Finally.
Its been pouring all day. And I love it.
Everything is cool and green and fresh and dew droppy.
Time for endless cups of coffee and a nice book and a good snuggle under the covers.
My favourite season of the year.
Its been pouring all day. And I love it.
Everything is cool and green and fresh and dew droppy.
Time for endless cups of coffee and a nice book and a good snuggle under the covers.
My favourite season of the year.
Of Doctors And Horses
Putting an intelligent doctor to work in a place with few facilities and fewer patients is like putting a race horse to plough a barren field.
A plough horse can race, given the training and the love, but making a race horse plough breaks the spirit and leaves it scarred.
A plough horse can race, given the training and the love, but making a race horse plough breaks the spirit and leaves it scarred.
Matchmaker,Matchmaker Make Me A Match..
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.
In India it does seem to be that it is a universally acknowledged truth that any woman past 20 must be in need of a husband.
I have had one ammachi come to hospi, insist that she see me, wake me up from my afternoon siesta and then cool as cucumber tell me, “No, nothing is wrong with me, I just heard that the hospital got a new doctor so I just came to see what u were like” Not taking any notice of the jaw hitting the floor and bug eyes she then proceeded to ask me where I was from and what my parents did and how many siblings I had.
Then there was the other ammachi who held one of my hands and reached out and picked up my little gold necklace (she actually put her hand out, pushed my chunni aside and dragged it out. Please!! Hands off!!!) and inspected it for a thali. Then very affectionately told me, don’t worry u look like u are 18. Huh??
In India it does seem to be that it is a universally acknowledged truth that any woman past 20 must be in need of a husband.
I have had one ammachi come to hospi, insist that she see me, wake me up from my afternoon siesta and then cool as cucumber tell me, “No, nothing is wrong with me, I just heard that the hospital got a new doctor so I just came to see what u were like” Not taking any notice of the jaw hitting the floor and bug eyes she then proceeded to ask me where I was from and what my parents did and how many siblings I had.
Then there was the other ammachi who held one of my hands and reached out and picked up my little gold necklace (she actually put her hand out, pushed my chunni aside and dragged it out. Please!! Hands off!!!) and inspected it for a thali. Then very affectionately told me, don’t worry u look like u are 18. Huh??
Death Might Be Better
There just might be something worse than death, watching your own son drunk and taunting you with his friends and swearing and cursing you.
You lie unable to move except for brief jerky in-coordinated movements. You can’t even lift your head off the pillow - only turn your head and let the tears soak your pillow. Can’t even swallow. Tubes out of every orifice, you can’t even speak, even to beg for death and its blessed oblivion. Just to lie helpless and watch the waves of hatred, contempt and pity mixed with disgust radiate off your only son.
Today I watched this happen in my hospital. Watched all this and I wonder if euthanasia is such a bad thing.
I’m ok. I don’t even know if I am very horrendously mentally traumatized. I’ll go to sleep soon, and if no patients come, sleep the night, though I wonder if that man will sleep tonight or any other night. His son just left him there all alone. Drunk, has ridden away on his bike. I doubt if he will stay awake long enough to get where he is going.
You lie unable to move except for brief jerky in-coordinated movements. You can’t even lift your head off the pillow - only turn your head and let the tears soak your pillow. Can’t even swallow. Tubes out of every orifice, you can’t even speak, even to beg for death and its blessed oblivion. Just to lie helpless and watch the waves of hatred, contempt and pity mixed with disgust radiate off your only son.
Today I watched this happen in my hospital. Watched all this and I wonder if euthanasia is such a bad thing.
I’m ok. I don’t even know if I am very horrendously mentally traumatized. I’ll go to sleep soon, and if no patients come, sleep the night, though I wonder if that man will sleep tonight or any other night. His son just left him there all alone. Drunk, has ridden away on his bike. I doubt if he will stay awake long enough to get where he is going.
I Feel Like This Now
Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
‘Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone
And it all seem so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
it could never make me happy
and my sand castles spend their time collapsing
chorus:
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
It’s my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday22 years ago
And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah who am I just a kid who knows he’s needy.
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
Not so much the “let me know u feel me” bit, but the rest of it.Switchfoot, “Let that be enough” and “Only hope” have been playing in my head.
To be on my own
‘Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone
And it all seem so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
it could never make me happy
and my sand castles spend their time collapsing
chorus:
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
It’s my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this Thursday22 years ago
And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Yeah who am I just a kid who knows he’s needy.
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
Not so much the “let me know u feel me” bit, but the rest of it.Switchfoot, “Let that be enough” and “Only hope” have been playing in my head.
AAARGH
I hate this place. I hate that I can’t connect to the net, that I have no friends here to meet up here after work or to have lunch and dinner with, that there is no one I can say, “I’m so utterly bored” to.
That there is no place I can go to, cos I am free only after six, and no single mallu female with any sense will venture out alone after six in this place. So I’m stuck here, with not very many books to keep company, longing for something or someone to fill the blanks with. Its hot and its lonely and the food sucks. And I’m afraid I will forget what little I know of medicine stuck in this place. I can’t even call a friend cos the costs are just too exorbitant for words, my messages don’t get delivered and my life as I know it right now sucks.
No friends no food no company no guys no medicine no books.
Life is zilch. I would be happy if earth were to be demolished to make way for the new inter hyperspace expressway tomorrow. At least then I wont have o wake up and go to work in this appalling place.. Maybe I’ll quit medicine. What after devoting seven years of my life to the study and practice of it…. Ugh.
That there is no place I can go to, cos I am free only after six, and no single mallu female with any sense will venture out alone after six in this place. So I’m stuck here, with not very many books to keep company, longing for something or someone to fill the blanks with. Its hot and its lonely and the food sucks. And I’m afraid I will forget what little I know of medicine stuck in this place. I can’t even call a friend cos the costs are just too exorbitant for words, my messages don’t get delivered and my life as I know it right now sucks.
No friends no food no company no guys no medicine no books.
Life is zilch. I would be happy if earth were to be demolished to make way for the new inter hyperspace expressway tomorrow. At least then I wont have o wake up and go to work in this appalling place.. Maybe I’ll quit medicine. What after devoting seven years of my life to the study and practice of it…. Ugh.
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